From the Bride-On the way to our wedding reception, I said tenderly to my brand-new husband, “It’s really special the way your mom and dad love each other so much after all their years of marriage. The thing I think is especially thoughtful is that each morning he brings a cup of steaming hot coffee to her in bed. Is that an inherited quality?” “You bet it is!” my husband said. “I take after my mother.”
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. “Pop, what
do I do first?” “Get naked and climb into bed.” his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. “Get naked and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. “What do I do?” he asks.
His father replies, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!” is the dad’s advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks. “Well, what is he doing?” mama asks. “He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar . . . so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear. . .”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever’. I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.
Marie just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.” So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.” “Don’t worry Maria”, says Mama, “All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.” So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!” “Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs,” says Mama, “Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.” So up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!!” “Stay here and stir the pasta”, says the mother, “This is a job for Mama!!”
My friend Marc got married in a small church, and I was surprised to see, for the first time, a woman minister. When I returned home that evening, my roommate inquired about the event. “It was beautiful,” I responded, “but quite unusual – a woman married him.” She looked at me strangely, replying, “And just what, may I ask, did you expect?”